The Flying Stereotypes

Notice people on the plane. People reading, sleeping, peering into the on-board tele screen and more. Frequent fliers will empathise with me. I have tried to distill come quirky stereotypes. Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

The Phonomaniac
Communication is something the Lord God cursed us with. I think that the original Tower of Babel is actually a cellular phone transmission tower. The Phonomaniac loves his phone. You may think he was born with it. He will talk through the check-in process, through the waiting lounge, through the boarding process. He will not just talk, but his concentration on his phone will mean bumping his bag into people who are on the aisle, as he walks in. He is usually the one the airhostess is running towards, to ask him to switch the phone off, because the plane in taxiing and this fellow’s phone might just end a few people’s lives. You will notice him fiddling with his phone through the fight. He is not happy that his phone is off. He will flip his phone in his hands. Move it from one palm to the other. Caress his phone. In addition, obviously, as the plane in landing, he will be the first to switch it back on. And get a million beeps indicating that he is the most sought after person on the planet

The Worm
One cannot call this person a bookworm. He does not carry a book with him. He is a worm. He loves to read. The inflight magazine, the shopping guide, the airline frequent flier membership form, and everything. Do not be amazed if you see him reading safety instructions and even the instructions on the paper bag for waste. He will also read the branding on the lunch pack. He will read the newspaper given, the newspaper you have, if they are different and might want your magazine, if he is done with it all. The worm has to read.

The Livin’ on the edge
Causes may vary. The symptom is the same. This person is like oil on water in the plane. He wants to jump out. Maybe he hates flying. Maybe his astrologer told him that he would die in a plane crash. Maybe he is going to meet his estranged wife to broker his alimony. He is on the edge. He will jump off the plane. A little jerk or a little turbulence is like getting stuck in an avalanche for these guys. He has to rush in. He has to rush out. He has to rush to the toilet. He will even race the person on the parallel aisle to it. He might bite his nails too. Stay away from him, because airplane nervousness can be contagious

The Gobble-Guzzler
When they said ‘Eat, Drink and Make merry’, the Gobble-guzzler took the first two as direct orders. He will eat & drink anything in sight. No shame in this, is there? From the fistful of mints from the beginning of the flight, to finishing every morsel of food from the lunch or dinner served. His plate will be licked-clean. He will ask for refills of anything that he is drinking. God save the airhostess, if he is an alcoholic. His favourite weapon is the buzzer. He loves the fact that the airhostess is at his disposal and he can exert his power with the push of a button. He will beep until the airhostess decides to make him the airplane’s wallpaper. The entire row is ostracised. Even if the person next to him is having a seizure and presses the buzzer, there will be no help coming his way.

The Elbow Guerilla
This is by far my favourite stereotype. He is the reincarnation of the Vietnamese guerilla. However, this time inside a plane. He will fight for his rights. He will fight for his inch of space. I do not think that the airplane builders have a choice but to have four elbow rests for three people, in the place of six. Arithmetically, you can have space for 1.33 elbows each and not 2. This is not the case for the elbow guerilla. He wants two. He thinks it is his birthright to have both arm rests to himself. He will do anything to get this. His first tactic is Slow Inching. He will slowly push your elbow away from the armrest slowly. He will do this with a surgeon’s precision. Millimeter by millimeter. By the time he is done, you would not even realize that you have lost ground. The second tactic is the Camouflaged Shove. Your elbow will be showed away very tactfully. You might think you got elbowed because your co-passenger was trying to reach for the pen he dropped or the magazine he wants to pick up. But, no. You are fighting a losing battle with the elbow guerilla.


What kind of airplane passenger are you?